Alex Ferguson Jokes

Alex Ferguson has been honored by having a road named after him outside Old Trafford.

Away fans are advised when driving down Alex Ferguson Road, not to forget to add 9 minutes to their journey.

Alex Ferguson is sitting at home watching TV one morning when he receives a phone call "Hello boss, it's David Beckham "Yes David what can I do for you?"

"Well boss, Posh has gone out and bought me a jigsaw to do. The problem is though none of the pieces fit together, it's impossible" "What's it supposed be?" "The picture on the box is of a chicken, but like i said it's impossible, it's really doing my head in now, if i don't get it finished by Saturday I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on the game" Ferguson starts to panic now. "I'll tell you what David bring it round here and we'll both have a go"

"Cheers boss, that's brilliant"

About half an hour later Beckham turns up at Ferguson's house with his jigsaw under his arm. He knocks on the door and Ferguson lets him in. They walk into the kitchen, and Beckham tips the pieces onto the table. Ferguson looks down at the table and then at Beckham. "David, put the fucking cornflakes back in the box"

Apparently Alex Ferguson received a red card in the tunnel from today’s referee Howard Webb.
It said ‘Happy Valentines day’ on the front.

Beckham, Keane and Ferguson are all trapped on the roof of a burning building. The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto.

They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad and the club captain, Keane goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away. Keane splats on the pavement, dead.

Still giggling, the firemen shout to Ferguson to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavement, high fives all around from the firemen.

Last to go is Beckham. But he's not having any of it....

"You'll move the blanket" he shouts.

"No we won't" they reply.

"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts Becks.

"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.

"Well, alright" he replies. "But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move away from it......"

Did you hear about the blonde burglar?

Answer: She broke into the coach Sir Alex Ferguson trophy room.

Did you hear about the passing joke that coach Sir Alex Ferguson told his starters?

Answer: It went over their heads.

First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.

Wayne Rooney walks into a shop

He sees a shiny silver thermos flask that he has never seen before, so he finds a shop assistant and asks him, "what is this used for?" the shop assistant replies, "it is used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold". Wayne Rooney buys it and takes it to training the next day.

Alex Ferguson sees Rooney carrying his thermos flask and asks, "what you got there Rooney". to which Rooney replies, "Oh this, it's brilliant; it's used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".

"well what you got in it then?" Alex Ferguson replies, "Two cups of coffee and a chock ice"

How does coach Sir Alex Ferguson stay cool during a game?

Answer: He stands next to all his fans.

If the world does end, I’m standing by Sir Alex Ferguson. That c*nt always seems to get an extra 10 minutes than everybody else.

Manchester United have successfully renegotiated their contract with referee Howard Webb for next season.
Sir Alex Ferguson has said, “He’s on a no win, no fee basis.”

Want to hear a sports coach joke?

Answer: Sir Alex Ferguson!

What did Sir Alex Ferguson say after his team won the Championship?

Answer: Dammit mom, why did you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!

What do you get when you breed Sir Alex Ferguson and a groundhog?

Answer: Six more weeks of bad coaching.

What does Coach Sir Alex Ferguson and Monica Lewinsky have in common?

Answer: They both may blow a few at first, but, Monica will not choke on the big ones.

What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?

Answer: Coach Sir Alex Ferguson and 3 of his starters.

What is the difference between Coach Sir Alex Ferguson and a baby?

Answer: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

What is the difference between coach Sir Alex Ferguson and mosquitoes?

Answer: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?

Answer: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and a jet engine?

Answer: A jet engine eventually stops whining!

What’s the difference between listening to Alex Ferguson’s after-match interview and childbirth?

Answer: One’s an extremely painful almost unbearable experience, and the other one’s just having a baby.

Why is coach Sir Alex Ferguson and his team like a possum?

Answer: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why was Sir Alex Ferguson upset when his playbook was stolen?

Answer: Because he had not finished coloring it.