Abraham Lincoln Jokes

Abe Lincoln, George Washington, George Bush and Barack Obama are sitting at a table at a bar.

They discuss politics and time travel.

Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!

Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!

Abraham Lincoln, of course, was one of the great humorists and story tellers of the last century. He liked to tell the story of the woman who stared at him on the train and finally said, "You are the ugliest man I have ever seen in my life." "Well," said Lincoln, "I don't know what I can do about it." "You could stay home!" the woman replied.

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day.

Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!

Did you Know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish?

Answer: It's true. He was shot in the temple.

Don't believe everything you see on internet just because there is a famous person's name next to it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Donald Trump went to sleep.

He was dreaming and he saw Abraham Lincoln. He asked him what is the best way for him to serve the country. Abraham Lincoln then said "go see a play".

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.

George Washington says, 'I will make someone happy!' and throws a dollar bill off the plane.

Then Abraham Lincoln says, 'I will make five people happy!' and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then John Adams says, 'I will make 500 people happy!' and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, 'I will make the whole world happy!' and throws George W. Bush off the plane.

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton.
George Washington says: "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says: "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says: "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then George W. Bush says: "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane!

It was Donald Trump's first day in office, and he had no clue what to do...

He decided to call upon the ghosts of previous great presidents to ask for their advice.

"What do I have to do to become a great president?" Trump asked the ghost of George Washington.

"You must never tell a lie," Washington responded.

Trump scoffed. "No way! do you really expect me to do that? You're useless Washington."

The ghost vanished, only to be replaced by the spirit of Thomas Jefferson. "What must I do to become a great president?" Trump asked again.

Jefferson replied, "You must always put the people's interest ahead of your own."

"Are you kidding? Let's be reasonable here," Trump exclaimed.

Jefferson disappeared, and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln took his place.

"Alright," Trump said. "Do you have any good advice for me?"

Lincoln thought for a moment and replied, "This should be an easy one. Why don't you go watch a play."

How do I know Abraham Lincoln never had trouble with the law?

Answer: He's in a cent.

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. ”George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. ”Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George.

The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. ”Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. ”Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.

Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. ”Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. Abe replied, ”Go to the theater.”

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

Answer: They were all born on holidays.

What do Abraham Lincoln and an 80s sitcom have in common?

Answer: They were both shot in front of a live audience.

What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common?

Answer: Neither can finish a play.

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

Answer: Neither of them can finish a play

What do George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln have in common?

Answer: They were the last three white guys with those last names.

What do you think Abraham Lincoln would say if he was alive today?

Answer: Help! Let me out of this box! I can’t breathe in here!

What US president had long legs, a beard, and an unusual smell?

Answer: Abraham Stincoln!

Which actor's performance had Abraham Lincoln on the edge of his seat?

Answer: John Wilkes Booth

Which of the presidents never committed any crimes?

Answer: Lincoln, because he is in-a-cent.

Which US president was the least guilty?

Answer: Abraham Lincoln. He was in-a-cent.

Who was the hottest president?

Answer: Baberaham Lincoln

Why did Lincoln wear a tall, black hat?

Answer: To keep his head warm!

Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?

Answer: Because he was always in a cent.

Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached?

Answer: Because he is in-a-cent.

“You simply cannot trust quotes found on the internet.”
- Abraham Lincoln, November 19, 1863.