Bill Clinton Jokes

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker:

"Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think " he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?

Answer: The United States of America!

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. First, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently. The agent said, "Mr President, it was a request from the home team”everybody from the owner down to the bat boy." (What really gets Bill going is when the agent tells him the fans would love it!)

So Bill just shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want." Then Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, hoists her over the wall and drops her onto the playing field.

She scrambles up kicking, swearing, screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "Hey, you were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally ashen. Bill asks the agent: What's wrong?

As soon as he could speak, the stricken agent stammered: "Sir, I said: "They want you to throw out the first PITCH."

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

Bill Clinton steps out of the Air Force One carring a small dog. One of his Secret Service men says, "Nice dog, Sir!" Bill says, "Thanks, I got it for Hillary." The man replies, "Nice trade, Sir!"

Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go."

Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.

So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.

Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."

"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.

"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."

"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.

"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home.
He approached a woman, shook her hand and inquired,
"Do you know who I am?"
"No," replied the old woman, "But if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!"

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?

Bill never told Monica to lie. He told her to lie in this position, not to lie on deposition.

Clinton's limousine falls into river. 3 boys save him. Clinton will give them whatever they want.

First boy wants to make love to Hillary; "Fine, I've cheated on her a thousand times."

Second boy wants to cheat on his taxes like Clinton; "Fine, my accountant does that all the time for me. By the time he's done with you, the government will be paying you money."

Third boy wants two bodyguards. Why? Because when his father finds out that he saved Clinton, he's going to need them.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill?

Ah thought ah paid it!

Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?

Answer: O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton.
George Washington says: "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says: "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says: "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then George W. Bush says: "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane!

Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.

Happy Presidents' Day!

Future historians will be able to study at:
the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library,
the Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library,
the Richard M. Nixon Presidential Library,
the Gerald Ford Presidential Library,
the James Earl Carter Presidential Library,
the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library,
...and the Bill Clinton Adult Book Store!

Hillary Clinton wears boxers. Bill Clinton wears briefs. Barack Obama wears thongs. What does John McCain wear?

Answer: Depends

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United
States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?

Answer: Both aren’t as successful when they re not on grass.

How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?

Answer: They were dating the same girl in high school.

How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?

Answer: He married her.

How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?

Answer: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?

Answer: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

How many Bill Clinton's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: Zero. He only screws interns!

How was Bill Clinton able to maintain a steady surplus during his presidency?

Answer: He had a great Al Gore rhythm.

How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?

Answer: The President after Bush

If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win?

Answer: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.

Mr. Reagan, Mr. Bush and Mr. Clinton are on the Titanic.

Mr. Reagan says, "Save the Women!"

Mr. Bush says, "Screw the women!"

Mr. Clinton says, "Do we have Time?!"

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot & titty

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. ”George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. ”Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George.

The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. ”Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. ”Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.

Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. ”Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked. Abe replied, ”Go to the theater.”

President Clinton was seen walking around the White House one day recently. Laying across one shoulder was a pair of ladies nylon panties. Nervously one White House Aide approach the President and asked about the panties. "Oh those," Replied the President, "I'm trying to quit. That's the patch."

So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod.
Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.

The other day Clinton saw someone selling puppies outside the White House. The president thought the puppies were very cute and asked about them. The man said they were democrats, thus making the president very happy. The next week he brought Hillary over to see the puppies, and said they were Democrats. The man quickly corrected the president and said they were now Republicans. The president asked why they changed, and the man said "Because last week they still had their eyes closed."

Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal.
One of the questions: Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton?
The results were staggering!
5% answered "No"
3% answered "Yes"
92% answered "Never Again!"

What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?

Answer: Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door.

What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?

Answer: Neither one is very bright.

What do Bill Gates and Bill Clinton have in common?

Answer: They're both being investigated for their GUI applications.

What do you call a party with Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton?

Answer: A blast from the past, present, and future presidents.

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Answer: Chelsea Clinton

What do you get when you put Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Dolly Parton together?

Answer: Two big boobs and a country western singer...

What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?

Answer: They both throw a ho down.

What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?

Answer: Absolutely nothing.

What is Clinton's worst nightmare?

Answer: An intern with braces.

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

Answer: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

Answer: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.

What was the real purpose of Bill’s college visit to Moscow?

Answer: To study economics.

What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?

Answer: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?

Answer: When Hillary is out of town.