Donald Trump Jokes

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

A rapist and a serial sexual predator walk into a bar. The bartender says...

Hello Mr. Kavanaugh. Hello Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz has defended O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, and Donald Trump

The stabber, the nabber, and the grabber

Anyone who thinks Mcgregor beating Mayweather is impossible...forgot Donald J Trump is our 45th President!

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are in a plane crash. Who survives?

Answer: The world.

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.

Trump asks Putin for advice

Complaining about his failures, Trump asks Putin how he's so successful. Putin responds that he surrounds himself with clever people and calls in Sergei Lavrov to ask him:

"Sergei, your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is it?"

Lavrov thinks for a moment and answers: "it's me."

Impressed, Trump decides to ask Paul Ryan the same question. Stumped, Ryan says he needs sometime to consider the question.

The next day, after a particularly heated exchange with Nancy Pelosi, Ryan asks her: "if you're so smart, riddle me this: your parents have a child that isn't your brother or sister, who is it?" Pelosi shoots back, "well, obviously it's me."

The next time he sees Trump, Ryan proudly announces that he's solved the riddle and tells Trump: "well, obviously, it's Nancy Pelosi!"

Trump roars, "you idiot, this is why nothing gets done around here, it's not Pelosi, it's obviously Sergei Lavrov!"

Could you imagine if someone pulled off Trump's hair piece?

Answer: There would be hell toupee.

Did you hear about Trump getting Pink Floyd back together?

Answer: Only problem is, he's gonna make them pay for every brick in the wall.

Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.

Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.

One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."

The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."

Donald Trump has claimed that if the murdered journalists in France had been carrying guns, then they would’ve had a fighting chance. No Donald, they would’ve had a fighting chance if the terrorists had been carrying stationery.

Donald Trump is attending a baseball game with Melania.

The game is about to start, and the speaker makes an announcement. Suddenly Donald grabs Melania and throws her off the balcony.

After a few seconds of silence, the speaker comes on again:

"No, Mr President, I said throw the first PITCH"

Donald Trump wants to control the country even though he can't control his hair.

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, “Listen Barack, I’m getting older and I’m having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?” Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. “Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

Donald Trump went to sleep.

He was dreaming and he saw Abraham Lincoln. He asked him what is the best way for him to serve the country. Abraham Lincoln then said "go see a play".

Donald Trump's cabinet is so dumb that I can get a better one at IKEA.

Donald Trump's greeting to all Mexicans on 14th February. Happy Wallentine's Day.

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

Answer: The United States of America.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel enter a bar

Putin: "I'll have a G&T."
Bartender: "What's a G&T?"
Putin: "Gin and tonic."

Merkel: "I'll have a V&C."
Bartender: "What's a V&C?"
Merkel: "Vodka and coke."

Trump: "I'll have a 7&7."
Bartender: "What's a 7&7?"
Trump: "16."

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But that is comparing apples to orange

Everyone thinks that Canadians hate Trump
It's Trudeau

George Washington "I can not tell a lie."
Donald Trump "I can not tell the truth."

Have you seen the new HGTV show about the White House makeover?

Answer: It's called "Trump It or Dump It".

It was Donald Trump's first day in office, and he had no clue what to do...

He decided to call upon the ghosts of previous great presidents to ask for their advice.

"What do I have to do to become a great president?" Trump asked the ghost of George Washington.

"You must never tell a lie," Washington responded.

Trump scoffed. "No way! do you really expect me to do that? You're useless Washington."

The ghost vanished, only to be replaced by the spirit of Thomas Jefferson. "What must I do to become a great president?" Trump asked again.

Jefferson replied, "You must always put the people's interest ahead of your own."

"Are you kidding? Let's be reasonable here," Trump exclaimed.

Jefferson disappeared, and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln took his place.

"Alright," Trump said. "Do you have any good advice for me?"

Lincoln thought for a moment and replied, "This should be an easy one. Why don't you go watch a play."

How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall?

Answer: They’ll get over it.

How do you drive President Trump crazy?

Answer: Tell him you placed evidence of voter fraud in the corner of his office.

How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Answer: Tell him Obama installed the current one!

How do you know when Trump is not lying?

Answer: His mouth is closed.

How do you make Halloween great again?

Answer: By carving a Trumpkin.

How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

Answer: By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

Answer: By renaming it Trump University.

How many of Donald Trump's Cabinet does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: None. Apparently, they prefer holding meetings in the dark.

I heard Donald Trump wants to deport criminals.....Great when does he leave?

I think Trump's wife just goes to show...Immigrants do the jobs average Americans won't.

If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning and you only had time to save one of them...
... where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch afterwards?

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes, who survives?

Answer: America

It's official! Beyonce now has more black people in her than Trump has in his cabinet.

Little Johnny is on an airplane with Bill Gates, Donald Trump, and the Pope...

The airplane is shot out of Russian airspace and is about to crash. There are 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. One of them will be left behind on the plane when it crashes.

Bill Gates says, "I am Bill Gates, one of the founders of Microsoft. My devices are used by people across the globe, and I donate billions of dollars to charity. I can't afford to die." So, he takes the first pack and jumps out of the plane.

Donald Trump says, "I am the one, the only, the Donald Trump. I am the US President, and I am the smartest President in American history. It's true, believe me. My people don't want me to die, so I'm taking this parachute." Then he snatches the second pack and jumps out of the plane.

The Pope turns to Little Johnny and says, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

Little Johnny turns down the offer and says, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's enough parachutes for both of us. The President just jumped out with my backpack..."

Mexico is now asking Trump to hurry up with the wall!

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen”.
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, “What do you believe?”
Hillary says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Hillary’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”

Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps.

Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps.

The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.

Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting."

The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."

Presidential monster remember guys, Steve Bannon is the President. Trump is the name of his monster.

So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

So I heard today...Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does.

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

That awkward moment Donald Trump watches Zootopia and realizes its a satire about his presidency.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters…so Trump can’t tweet it.

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin ?

Secretary: Just a second, Mr. President…

Trump: Thanks

Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!