Quote Jokes

A joke is a very serious thing.

After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints.

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.'

Al Gore and his wife, longtime married couple, are separating. Tipper Gore. And they may get a divorce. Apparently what happened, they experienced global cooling.

Al Gore has won an Academy award. He's won an Emmy award. And now, he's won the Nobel prize. But what he really wants is the Latin Grammy.

Charlie and I have quite a bit in common. We both love porn, we've both done a ton of drugs and neither of us are actors.

Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone.

Though every day the note just read, 'Keep an eye on your father.'

David Cameron announced he is stepping down in the wake of a vote, which should make me happy, but it doesn’t. It’s like catching an ice cream cone out of the air, because a child has been hit by a car. I’ll eat it! But it’s tainted somehow.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII — and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we’ve realized it’s a brochure.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. His hands can't hit what his eyes can't see. Now you see me, now you don't. George thinks he will, but I know he won't.

Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

I am the greatest, I said that even before I knew I was.

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.

I want your heart, I want to eat your children.

I was dating a football player. He was so dumb. The man could not count to 21 unless he was naked.

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I'm 80. You're (46). How come we look like we went to high school together?

I'm a big fan of Courtney Love. I love Hole and I love her acting and I love her attitude. I just hope I never meet her in a dark alley.

I'm from a little place called England..we used to run the world before you.

I'm such a blonde. It just doesn't make sense for me to have dark hair.

I'm young; I'm handsome; I'm fast. I can't possibly be beat.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If I were to see three people that make tons of money and have no talent, I would not watch you guys, I'd watch the Kardashians.

If you pray about it don't worry about it. If you're going to worry about it don't pray about it.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you're going to be right.

Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

Martin Scorsese said the Marvel films remind him of theme parks. I don't know what he's doing hanging around theme parks - he's not big enough to go on the rides.

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit.

Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them.

On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia's nuclear arsenal. But it's not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends.

Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama’s American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.

Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'

Saddam Hussein was executed last week by hanging. Or, as they call that in Iraq, death by natural causes.

The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men--an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The piano has been drinking, not me

The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.

The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he's only ever read about purgatory.