England Jokes

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II are having a meeting...

During the meeting, the Queen brags about how, by simply moving her hand she can make everyone in England happy for a few minutes.

The Pope asks her to do this. Then, she waves her hand and everyone cheers.

The Pope then says, "by moving my hand, I can make all the people in Ireland happy forever." The Queen, astonished asked him to do this.

So, the Pope slapped her across the face.

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: “Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

Glenn Hoddle dies and goes to Heaven. He's met at the gates by God himself - as is customary for VERY important people. God shows him promptly to The England dressing room - a large room full of clocks. Each of the clocks has a minute hand only and a small inscription bearing a name. They're all there from Sir Alf to Owen. The players who have preceeded Glenn to the Great Wembley Way in the sky, including Glenn's clock, were all moving forward at the right pace. But all the players who were still alive's clocks were stationary - until Glenn looked closer and he noticed that ever now and again the clock of one player or another would loose half an hour. "What's that all about then?" Glenn asks God.
"Ah, well every time one of your boys has a wank they knock half an hour of their lives."
"Oh," says Glenn, and he has another look - LeSaux's clock goes back by half an hour....Then Campbell's does. Glenn has a closer look - "Where's Beckhams clock then?"
"Ah well, we've got that one in the office - we're using it as a fan!"

I'm from a little place called England..we used to run the world before you.

Paula Yates rang Michael before he died and asked him, "When are you coming back to England?" He replied, "I'm not, I just gonna hang around here for a bit longer"

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'

'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added, 'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'

What has Posh Spice and the England team got in common?

Answer: They both get screwed by David Beckham.

What's the difference between England and Oscar Pistorius?

Answer: England gets off scott-free.

What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill Clinton?

Answer: You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?

Answer: Princess Diana never became a queen of England.

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Answer: Because Hogwarts is in England not America.