Charlie Sheen Jokes

CBS hired Chuck Norris to replace Charlie Sheen, now the show is called Ten and half Men.

CBS hired Chuck Norris to replace Charlie Sheen, now the show is called Two and half Men.

Charlie and I have quite a bit in common. We both love porn, we've both done a ton of drugs and neither of us are actors.

Charlie Sheen and Rihanna meet outside of an elevator.

Both wait patiently for the elevator to arrive. When the doors open Rihanna makes a hand gesture and says: '' Aids before Beauty ''.

Charlie Sheen winning? Chuck Norris says "I think not."

Denise Richards wants custody of her 2 young children, what does Charlie Sheen want?

Answer: More filthy whores!

How bad is Charlie Sheen's meltdown?

Answer: So bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it!

How did Ashton Kutcher get a bottle of "Tiger Blood"?

Answer: He threw Charlie Sheen a grenade!

How did Charlie Sheen pass his court ordered drug test?

Answer: They couldn't find any urine in his cocaine!

How do you fix our economic problems with the help of Charlie Sheen?

Answer: Invest all his money in a ponzi scheme and lock him up in jail with Bernie Madoff!

How do you know your playing a tennis match with Charlie Sheen?

Answer: Your opponent tries to snort the service line!

How does every Charlie Sheen party end?

Answer: When the ambulance gets there!

How much coke has Charlie Sheen snorted?

Answer: Enough to kill two and a half men.

I'm 80. You're (46). How come we look like we went to high school together?

If Charlie Sheen is winning, it's only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

What did Charlie Sheen say to the porn star with 2 black eyes?

Answer: Nothing he already told her twice!

What do Charlie Sheen and Bruce Willis have in common?

Answer: They both had their old slot filled by Ashton Kutcher.

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Answer: Bad blood

What does Charlie Sheen do if the dishwasher stops working?

Answer: He hits her.

What is CBS considering renaming Two and a Half Men after firing Charlie Sheen?

Answer: Two Men!

What's a bigger lie than Floyd Mayweather pleading "Not Guilty"?

Answer: Charlie Sheen pleading to be sober & a feminist.

What's a bigger lie than Lindsay Lohan pleading "Not Guilty"?

Answer: Charlie Sheen pleading to be sober & a feminist.

What's ironic about reports that Charlie Sheen is dating pornstar Bree Olson?

Answer: Her last adult film was titled "Two and a Half Men"!

What's more embarrassing than being Charlie Sheen?

Answer: Being one of the million people applying to be his intern!

What's the difference between Charlie Harper and Charlie Harper jokes?

Answer: The jokes will get old.

What's the main difference between Michael Jackson and Charlie Sheen?

Answer: Charlie Sheen doesn't die from taking drugs

What's the title for the new sitcom starring Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan?

Answer: Two and a Half Grams

Who will suffer the most financially from Charlie Sheen's legal problems?

Answer: Call Girls!

Why did Amber Heard and Charlie Sheen's secret lovechild take his father's name instead of his mother's?

Answer: Because children should be sheen and not heard.

Why did CBS pull the plug on Sheen's hit sitcom "Two and a Half Men"?

Answer: Because on Groundhog Day, Charlie saw his dealer which meant 6 more weeks of hookers and pornstars!

Why did Charlie Sheen threaten his wife with a knife?

Answer: Because he left his gun in Los Angeles!

Why does Charlie Sheen have hernia problems?

Answer: Because when Charlie is "winning", he thinks he has the strength of 2 and a Half Men!

Why is Charlie Sheen a spokesman for Hanes underwear?

Answer: Because the time he spends with a woman is brief before he starts beating her up!

Why is Charlie Sheen having trouble penning his tell-all memoir?

Answer: After 3 decades of partying he only has two-and-a-half brain cells!

Why is Charlie Sheen looking forward to hitting rock bottom?

Answer: Because he thinks there is a crack rock there!

Why is Charlie Sheen suing the Japanese Tsunami?

Answer: Because it's replacing him as the biggest disaster on TV!

Why is Charlie Sheen travelling across the country performing one man shows?

Answer: Because he was tired of neglecting his children from home!

Why is the judge in the Charlie Sheen custody case insisting Charlie work at a Red Lobster?

Answer: So he can learn how to batter fish instead of women!

With all the negativity in the world today...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.