Sean Connery Jokes

Apart from Bond, what do Connery and Craig have in common?

Answer: They both got whacked in the untouchables.

Are there any Connery films in which he actually played a Scotsman?

Answer: Yes. All of them.

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Answer: Yes, but only partially.

Knock, knock!
Whos there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery!

The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it?

Answer: Tennish

Sean Connery was interviewed by Donahue, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.

Sean Connery's sequel to his book Being A Scot is about domestic violence and comes out next year. Do you know what it's called?

Answer: Yes. Fleeing A Scot.

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

Answer: I have only my shelf to blame!

What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?

Answer: I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.

What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster?

Answer: Shellfish

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

Answer: The cat shat on the mat.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Answer: Tennish

What's the difference between Connery's book Being A Scot and Goldilocks?

Answer: One's a fantasy about porridge and the others a story about some bears.

Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?

Answer: In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.

Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen?

Answer: He had Dish-abilities.

You hear about the time Jean Claude Van Damme met Sean Connery?

Connery introduced himself. "Bond. James Bond."

And Van Damme replied. "Damme. Van Damme. Claude Van Damme. Jean Claude Van Damme."