Actress Jokes

Are you Selena Gomez? Cause I love you like a love song baby.

Carrie Fisher was found unconscious by a relative, who tried to revive her with chest compressions.

Unfortunately, the force wasn’t strong enough.

Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese?

Answer: True story, it was Brie Larson.

Did you hear that Fergie and R. Kelly are collaborating on a new album?

Answer: They are calling their group the Black Guy Pees.

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."

Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells "Tits!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into Hell.

St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into Hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."

They begin there long trek down the tunnel. About half way down St. Peter leans over towards Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.

I think Hilary Swank would make herself more accessible to men if she changed her forename to Gloria.

If Courtney Love Married Courtney Cox, they would become a Lesbian couple both named Courtney Love-Cox.

I’m not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it’s incredibly delicious.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Megan Fox?
Omg! You are Megan Fox?
Just shut up. Give me a gun, there’s a fox outside.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don’t eat this much!

Sandra Bullock goes up to Bob Schneider when they first met during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"

"It's an Ugly American." says Bob.

"What's an Ugly American?" Sandy asks.

An observer standing close by chimes: "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

Sarah Jessica Parker was asked if she supported the company that manufactures the Epi-pen. She replied: “Nay”

The good news about Joan Rivers’ death is that the body can go straight to Madame Tussauds.

What do you call a blonde actor with a long neck?

Answer: Charlize Heron

What do you call an actor who hauls seafood?

Answer: Carrie Fisher

What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?

Answer: A thank you from Santa!

What does Amanda Bynes and Barbie have in common?

Answer: They're both blonde, plastic and brainless!

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

Answer: A Cameron Diaz

What does Debbie Reynolds sing in heaven?

Answer: Good mourning, good mourning, good mourning!!!

What is Olivia Colman's favourite part of a turkey?

Answer: The Crown

What would Ashley Tisdale have to do to become a boxing champion?

Answer: Bop bop bop, bop to the top

What’s the difference between Kim Bassinger and a terrorist?

Answer: A terrorist makes fewer demands.

What’s the difference between Rosanne Barr and poultry?

Answer: Most poultry is dressed better.

What’s the difference between vision and sight?

Answer: Julia Roberts is a vision; Rosanne Arnold is a sight.

What’s the only thing that’s less exciting than hearing Al Gore speak?

Answer: Watching Roseanne Arnold get undressed.

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

Who's the celebrity with the most weapons?

Answer: Ana de Armas

Why did Amber Heard and Charlie Sheen's secret lovechild take his father's name instead of his mother's?

Answer: Because children should be sheen and not heard.

Why did Tom and Rosanne Arnold recently consider divorce?

Answer: Their doctor put them on a fat-free diet.

Why has Liz Taylor married eight times?

Answer: When she wakes up at night, she’s just got to have someone to eat.

Yo mama's so stupid she thought Shirley Temple was a church!

You must be Halle Berry's twin sister; the one they don't talk about because she's much more beautiful.