Quote Jokes

There’s an ancient philosophical joke that’s much subtler than it seems. Question: Why is the Universe here? Answer: Where else would it be?

Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's 'always right.' Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote 'No.'

This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'

To play a wrong note is insignificant; toplay without passion is inexcusable.

Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn't finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people.

Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

When you're in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you're not throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Whenever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm.

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

Why is Ann Coulter here tonight? Because the right-to-lifers wanted everyone to see what an abortion looks like up close.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell ‘mum’ backwards.

You're in no position to lecture the public about anything, you know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.