Bobbitt Jokes

Why Tyson bit Evander's ear

1. Thought cauliflower ear was a vegetable
2. Evander said, "Bite me"
3. After blow to head, thought he was Lorraina Bobbitt
4. His new trainer is Tonya Harding

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle. "Master, may I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile. "Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barked Rodman. The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.

Did you hear about the new computer virus?

It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".

Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

Did you hear John Wayne Bobbitt called O.J. last night?

Answer: He wanted O.J. to know that he knows what it feels like to be separated from a loved one.

Did you hear Lorena Bobbit was almost killed in a traffic accident?

Answer: Some dick cut her off!

Did you hear what Jeffrey Dahmer said to Lorenna Bobbit?

Answer: Are you going to eat that or throw it away.

He tried to sue Lorena but failed - the evidence would not stand up in court!

Hear about the new John Bobbitt brand of coffee?

Answer: It's served cold with no cream.

Hey, did ya hear about the John Bobbitt doorbell?

Answer: It has a ding but no dong!

How did they track down Bobbitt's penis?

Answer: With a cocker spaniel.

How's Bobbitt like Pat Nixon?

Answer: When the time comes he'll be buried next to his dick.

I heard that John Bobbitt is marrying a woman who suffers from bulemia. It's a perfect match. She can't keep anything down, and he can't get anything up.

What are the worst words Lorena's next boyfriend could hear?

Answer: But I haven't had my orgasm yet!

What did Bobbitt get in his divorce settlement?

Answer: He got half his penis back.

What did Bobbitt say to Lenora's lawyer?

Answer: You want a piece of me too?

What did Bobbitt say when he woke up?

Answer: This isn't what I meant by a separation!

What did John Wayne Bobbitt say when he woke up?

Answer: I'm not even Jewish!

What did Lenora do on Thanksgiving?

Answer: She carved the turkey.

What did Lorena serve Bobbitt over the holidays?

Answer: Sliced bananas.

What do you call Bobbitt's orgasms?

Answer: The Dead Sea.

What do you get when you cross Lorena Bobbitt and Tonya Harding?

Answer: I don't know, but I wouldn't date it if I was you!

What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbitt, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpson in the same room?

Answer: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker.

What does Bobbitt call a Ken doll?

Answer: Anatomically correct.

What does Bobbitt call his penis?

Answer: An air gun.

What happened after Lorena left her husband?

Answer: She went driving around with some dickhead.

What is Lorenna Bobbit's name translated into Russian?

Answer: Lorenna Chopachunkov!

What movies will they make about Bobbitt?

Answer: Frankenweenie & Sleeping with the Enemy.

What were John Bobbitts first words to his wife after she sliced him and he had it surgically reattached?

Answer: Lorenna...that's not what I meant when I asked for a trial seperation!

What will Bobbitt learn before his next marriage?

Answer: To sleep on his stomach.

What will they call the movie about Bobbitt's penis?

Answer: The Return of the Dead.

What will they call the movie about John and Lorena Bobbitt?

Answer: A Night to Dismember.

What's Bobbitt's idea of foreplay?

Answer: Having the stitches removed.

What's Bobbitt's new pickup line?

Answer: It's less filling, but tastes great!

What's Lorena Bobbit's favorite sex act?

Answer: Playing hide the salami.

What's Lorena's latest fashion statement?

Answer: Wearing the dickie she got from her husband.

What's the difference between Bob Barker and Lorena Bobbitt?

Answer: Bob Barker is a slick pricer.

What's the only thing worse than being married to Lorena Bobbit?

Answer: Being divorced from O.J. Simpson!

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron?

Answer: Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

When will Bobbitt have his next orgasm?

Answer: When he pulls himself together.

When will the Bobbitts get back together?

Answer: After they patch things up.

Why can't Bobbitt get any more dates?

Answer: He looks bad in cutoffs.

Why did Bobbitt throw away his condoms?

Answer: They're not enough protection.

Why did Chuck Woolery call OJ?

Answer: To match him up with Lorena Bobbitt.

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer call the Bobbits?

Answer: He heard they ran a carryout.

Why did John Bobbitt beat up his new girlfriend?

Answer: He felt he had nothing to lose.

Why did John go back to Lorena?

Answer: She had a strange hold on him.

Why did they ask Bobbitt to speak at Nixon's funeral?

Answer: He knew how to cry over a fallen Dick.

Why does Bobbitt abuse his women?

Answer: It's the only meat he can beat these days.

Why does Lorena get up so early?

Answer: So she can catch the worm.

Why doesn't Bobbitt get laid anymore?

Answer: He lost his nerve.